Autism is not a hardwired impairment programmed into a child’s genes and destined to remain fixed forever. Paying attention differently to and recording the environment around and prior to incidents can lead to an understanding of triggers for occurrences. Sensory breaks can help your child regroup and refocus.
Figuring out your child’s needs
There’s been a lot of research about how people with autism lack a so-called theory of mind—they don’t understand that you are a different person with different needs than theirs. That may be true, but teachers, parents, and specialists are often just as lacking their understanding of what might be called the child’s theory of sensation and perception.
You don’t “get” why she experiences a flickering light bulb as a bolt of lightning, a doorbell ringing as the sound of a thousand church bells. You don’t appreciate why a child might need to tap his foot and run around the classroom to keep from falling out of his chair. And you don’t grasp how yogurt, because of its smoothness, may be one of the only foods that doesn’t make your daughter feel like she has a mouthful of pebbles.
Your child may have as hard a time figuring out your needs as you have figuring out hers. She may not notice that today is a bad one for you, and so try to be less needy. He may talk endlessly because he can’t read your cues of boredom.
Search for the hidden meaning
Many of your child’s behaviors may not make obvious sense—they don’t seem to serve any clear purpose. But your child doesn’t smear poop all over the walls “on purpose” to make you cry or get angry. Assume for a minute that “crazy” behaviors like this do make some sense, that your child is sending you coded messages about things that are important to him—and your job is to break the code so you can “read” the messages.
By paying attention differently to these actions, you may be able to notice clues you didn’t see before, and find a more effective way to help your child. Taking this approach will also help you respond more carefully to these “bizarre” behaviors, so you don’t inadvertently reinforce them by rewarding your child for activities that drive you up the wall.
The first thing to do is to start recording these outbursts and stunts the way an anthropologist might record the actions of a newly discovered native people. Suspend your judgments, what you think you know. What time do these events most often happen? Does the same thing often happen first? Perhaps he’s more likely to have outbursts on pizza day in the school cafeteria, or after you’ve just turned on the lights because it’s getting dark outside. Maybe it only happens when you turn on the fluorescent light in the kitchen. Many behaviors are set off or triggered by an event. Just as you might suddenly feel hungry as you walk past a bakery, there are “setting events” in your child’s life—the things that “set off” difficult behaviors. You can use a diary or log to try to identify these setting events for some of your child’s most difficult behaviors.
Instead of looking at the behavior as “bad,” look for how the context, or environment, is out of synch with your child, and explore what you can do about it.
External environment
Some things in your child’s surroundings are changeable and some are not. Sometimes the problem is a well-meant gesture that’s actually counterproductive, like a teacher popping a candy in your daughter’s mouth to keep her quiet, unintentionally rewarding her for being loud in class.
Sometimes just figuring out what the problem is can help you do something about it. Your refrigerator will always make humming noises, but if you realize that sound is distracting your hearing-sensitive son, you can help him set up a quiet spot to do homework.
Sometimes you will find a mism
